Do you know that what bothers you about a person has a lot to do with yourself?

However, whether we like it or not, what intensely irritates or admires us in others is, in reality, a reflection of aspects of ourselves that were not accepted by those who cared for us, or even unmet emotional needs. Why does it take us so long to realise this, or sometimes we never do? Because it is buried in our unconscious.

At certain moments in our lives, due to the expectations and social pressures we face, we have to bury those parts of ourselves. We deny recognising them to avoid feeling bad or excluded. Instead, we construct an idealised image of ourselves that fits what was expected of us, a "perfect self." The brain adapts incredibly to survive!

The process of shaping our identity begins before our birth, and every interaction molds our personality. We learn what things are acceptable to feel, say, show, express, desire, do, and be. Anything that doesn't fit this "ideal persona" ends up being relegated deep within us, what Carl Jung proposed as the "shadow archetype."

As we grow and become adults, we tend to consciously forget those rejected contents, but our unconscious continues to push them to the surface. The more resistance we put up against this shadow (by clinging to our "Ideal Self"), the more vital energy we waste. This energy manifests in extreme ways, such as panic attacks, phobias, acute insomnia, a sense of emptiness, or a lack of meaning.

By focusing so much energy on containing what we reject, we stop fully living in the present.

How to recognise the Shadow?

There are some clues that help us recognise our shadow:

• Feeling intense irritation or admiration towards certain characteristics in other people.

• Automatically blaming others.

• Experiencing exaggerated emotions, either in excess or deficiency.

• Anything that goes against the image we want to project is part of our shadow.

"The shadow figure personifies everything that the subject refuses to acknowledge and yet is forced to deal with, directly or indirectly." - Carl Jung

Integrating our Shadow

To integrate our shadow, it is necessary to learn to observe it, understand it, and grasp why it emerged, accepting it as an essential part of our individuality. By doing so, we open the possibility of achieving greater internal balance and a deeper understanding of ourselves. This is a delicate process that requires calm, care, and love but leads to significant psychological and spiritual growth. An appropriate space for this is psychotherapy.

The integration of the shadow involves recognising it, although it may not always be an easy task. When someone touches a sensitive point in us, we can look inward and ask ourselves what really hurts. Each time this happens, it is an opportunity to become aware of what we had not yet acknowledged (although this does not justify or tolerate hurtful behaviour from others).

Accepting the shadow goes hand in hand with becoming aware of our projections onto others. When we project our shadow onto others, we cease to see them as they truly are (because we avoid seeing those parts of ourselves that make us uncomfortable).

Facing what belongs to us can be terrifying at first, but by doing so, we release the projections we make on others. We stop merging with them and trying to please them, allowing them to return to themselves while we return to our own being.

Understanding and illuminating our projections help us to know ourselves better, accept ourselves wholly, and establish more emotionally responsible relationships.

By recognising and accepting our shadow, we achieve greater integration as individuals, which brings a sense of peace, balance, and well-being. The part of ourselves that we have always rejected finally feels accepted and at peace.

In this state, we have nothing to hide, allowing us to be authentic and live life to the fullest.